An average girl: straight-forward, sass, & some sap

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

My Mother's Guide to Finding Me a Boyfriend

My mom has been on my case lately about why I am still single. I have been asked to be a bridesmaid 5 times this year, so she sees my friends getting married, and I am just over here like "What's on Netflix now?"

To my defense I am only mid-twenties and very career-oriented. And to her defense, she says she just wants to know that I am protected (and is probably sick of me calling them when I have a flat tire).

This is a legitimate conversation we had a few months ago:

Me: Mom, want to hear some good news?

Mom: You got a new job?!

Me: No, even more exciting!

Mom: You got engaged!!!!

Yes, to the guy that you've never met....

Every so often when we talk she will throw out ideas of where I should meet a guy. She does it oh so casually, but in the back of my head, I think "Wow I really will be single forever."

Here's my mom's guide to me meeting a man and my defense - because I am not hopeless yet right?!:

Church: Yes I should go to church more, I agree. However, how am I going to meet a man there? “Sign of peace, let’s date?”

Online: I know dating sites are becoming more and more popular, but my concern is.. You meet someone on there and start casually dating.. But they are still talking to several other women. When does this stop? My ex was cheating on me by being on a dating site, while we dated, and I had to find out from an old college friend, who recognized him from my Facebook pictures. So that was fun...

The Bar: I understand many people have met their significant other at a bar. But in return, nothing good happens after 2 am either. Being under the influence might not always be the best judge of character.

Through Friends: It seems like I hang out with all couples or friends that have significant others. And blind dates: do they really think you’d be a good match or is it because you are their only two single friends left?

So there we have it, the verdict: I am picky and have no game... And does anyone really bump carts in the grocery store and fall in love at first sight?!

Secrets of the Low-Maintenance Girly-Girl

This type of girl is a rare but glorious find! The low-maintenance girly-girl. Think Jennifer Lawrence. She cares to look good, is a bit of a sap, but is NOT over-the-top spend-2-hours-getting-ready-for-the-gym type of girl and she has a sense of humor to keep up with the boys.

Here are the secrets of a low-maintenance girly-girl. Are you one of there rare commodities?

We love dresses, but only because we hate pants.

What guy doesn’t want to hear a girl say we hate pants? I own about 65 dresses, but it is all for the comfort over the girly-girl aspect of it. Saves a hell of a lot of time, you just pick one and throw it on. No annoying buttons or tight waists. And no wasted time having to match a shirt with pants.

We never leave the house without makeup, the bare minimum amount of makeup

Concealer, foundation, primer, yeah I have no idea what to do with any of that stuff. Unless it’s a special occasion, eyeliner and mascara are all I need.

We can be ready on the fly.

Tell us you are on your way, and we can shower, dress, do make-up, and put our hair up in 15 minutes flat.

You don’t have to worry about us getting mad you didn’t notice our new haircut.

$65 for a haircut that looks exactly like it did before. Nope, mine costs $20 and only because I think every few months, hmmm I should get a haircut it’s been awhile. Not because I notice every split end.

We are a cheap date.

Sure, flowers are nice, but you can get me a bunch of sunflowers, not overpriced red roses. We appreciate a cute text over an expensive gift. And I don’t need a cosmo, just order me a Redd’s.

We fit in with the boys, but we're the biggest saps.

We can keep up with the most inappropriate comments and jokes, but cry at the sappiest of things. One minute, we will be joining in on crude jokes and the next; we will be tearing up because the Patriots’ cheerleaders wore Devon Stills’ jersey to support his daughter’s cancer journey. It's a perfect balance for humor in a relationship, and the feminine touch every man wants!

Our nails are always painted, but I am not afraid to break one.

Need help carrying something; we will not use the “I am a girl” excuse.

We HATE drama.

The “he said, she said” “I hate her because she is pretty.” “I am not going to tell you I am mad”…. Yeah we despise that. You will know why we are mad, on the rare occasion. Because the low-maintenance girly-girl is very hard to offend.

We watch sports and we get it!

We aren’t mad that you spend all Sunday watching football, hey we gotta know if Eddie Royal was as much of a fantasy steal as we thought too! Move over, we are planted on the couch too.

So there you have it, the happy medium of the women world. Not a tomboy, not a princess. Laid back, lives on the fly, easy to please girls are a diamond in the rough!

Monday, December 8, 2014

Forget These "Find Your Inner Peace" Lists, The Real Secrets to Happiness

It all boils down to: Not being a shitty person. Dance because you want to, not like no one is watching. Laugh so hard you pee yourself & laugh even harder.

There are self help books, how to find your inner peace articles, blah blah blah.. But the real secrets are so much simpler.

I mean seriously every article of the sort features a size 0 woman prancing around a tropical island at sunset, yeah I bet I’d be happy if I were tiny and in a warm place too. Or a woman on a mountain doing some yoga pose, seriously I am not that flexible.

Life doesn’t work like that. Let’s get practical:

Their advice: Cultivate meaningful relationships, treat people how you want to be treated, Golden Rule…

Secret: Just don’t be a shitty person.

Their advice: Find someone that completes you.

Secret: Learn to be happy with yourself, everyone else can hurt you, but you are freaking fabulous. I mean I will be halfway to the grave by the time I find someone to love me as I am.

Their advice: Try to please others.

Secret: Do not do that. Please yourself, that’s it. And if people hate you, well then-they have a problem.

Their advice: Eat a well-balanced diet.

Secret: Sure, being healthy is important. But you want that ice cream, eat the damn ice cream!

Their advice: Do cultural activities. Travel. Go to museums, operas.

Secret: Okay, this one is valid. But don’t feel guilty when you just want to sit your ass on your couch and watch re-runs of Friends.

Their advice: When people say, “You don’t look happy, you need to smile more,” you should smile more.

Secret: That is the most annoying thing ever, if I am pissed, I don’t want to smile. But smile as much as you can, and laugh any chance you get. Hell, laugh so hard you pee your pants, and then instead of getting embarrassed about it, tell it as a great story!

Their advice: Make a good living.

Secret: Find a job that makes you happy. Maybe you aren’t a millionaire. But what means more: a Porsche or loving what you do every day? And always, always do your best!

Their advice: Don’t worry about what others think of you.

Secret: True, do what you want, when you want. My spin: Don’t worry about what others think. Unless everyone says the same thing about you. Then maybe you have crossed the shitty person line we talked about earlier.

In recap: live laugh love. Live as your freaking self and stop caring if people don’t like you. Laugh so your drink shoots out of your nose. Love, well if you are the lucky one of us that has any luck with the opposite sex, then love the hell out of them!

Don’t be a terrible person. Embrace your inner weirdness. Tell inappropriate jokes. Do what you love, stop staying stuck in shitty jobs. Be nice. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Let yourself make mistakes, no one is perfect. Waste a whole day watching Friends. Eat a tub of ice cream. Surround yourself with people that make you happy, not that you need to impress. Don’t dance like “no one is watching,” dance like an idiot, because you freaking want to!

And well if you can afford to go on that tropical vacation, then sure practice yoga on a mountain and prance around on the beach at sunset. But drink too many fruity drinks with umbrellas in them too.

5 Phrases a Woman Uses When She is Killing You in Her Mind

Okay there are WAY more than 5 phrases a woman says that really mean something else... Like pretty much half of what we say. However, I will focus on 5 deadly ones. I, personally, am very easy-going, don't take offense too much, don't get mad easily... So, in my world, if I say any of these, you probably messed up BIG time..

Guys, you need to catch onto her tone. Although, she makes it seem like everything is a-okay, she is secretly plotting your death in her head. Also, she will think about your conversation for the next 6 1/2 days, and probably bring up the situation in a fight 8 months later (even though due to her response, you never knew she was mad in the first place.)

I like to think us women are the most complicated, yet easy to please creatures there are. We over think everything, don't speak our mind, and the Earth would shatter if we ever made a decision on where to eat. However, on the flip side, just tell us we are pretty, don't lie, and bring us ice cream when we are sad, and we are good to go. But just to make your life a little easier, here is some decoding:

1. IT'S OKAY:

NO IT'S NOT. Whatever you did, she is PISSED. You better head to the florist and get her flowers, because she is remembering this forever.

2. I'M FINE:

She is far from fine. And unlike you guys when you are in a bad mood and want to be alone, she wants to talk about it. So, you better sit down, shut up, and let the girl rant. You might think it's stupid. She's mad that her best friend Sue is hanging out with Michelle tonight instead of her, but it's because she told Sue she wanted to stay home, but really she didn't want to stay home, she wanted Sue to convince her to go out. Dumb, yes, but she's still upset. If you don't make her talk, she is going to think you are insensitive to her feelings. And after that if you even breathe wrong, she is going to take it out on you.

3. GO AHEAD:

This is a dare, not her blessing. She is wondering how stupid you really are if you think you are going to watch football with the boys on your 2 year, 3 month and 4 day anniversary. Anniversary of your first kiss, first time holding hands, first time making her smile, yeah - just clear the calendar, because she remembers...

4. WHATEVER:

She literally just said "F*ck you!" But she is too much of a lady to be upfront about it. She is not happy with your decision and you better fix it FAST! Don't get mad she doesn't make choices ever, that's how girls are, and you should know this by now.

And the worst reaction you could ever get from a woman is:

5. SILENCE:

She literally has 16, 739 thoughts running through her head, and it is all going to erupt at once. Just as soon as she decides what she is most mad/sad/upset/confused about.

So, hopefully I have saved some of you fellas from a hard-learned lesson. Watch the body language, pick up on her tone, and know, happy wife happy life (applies to girlfriends, too).. And the woman is ALWAYS right - even when she's completely and utterly wrong.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

7 Absolutely Unrealistic Justifications Why He Didn't Text You Back

Don’t worry he’s definitely into you, he just forgot how to text…

You know the torture…. Finally getting the nerve to text him.. And then the waiting game… Maybe you are lucky, and he texts back right away… Or maybe he is one of those annoying guys that reads the text and responds hours later. Or worse yet, responds with just k.

But in the unfortunate event, he doesn’t text you back at all. Here are some excuses you can feel free to keep telling yourself:

1. He is concussed.

He was so excited you texted him, he passed out, hit his head, had to go to the hospital, has a concussion, and forgot you texted him in the first place.

2. His screen is shattered.

He was thinking of the perfect response to text you back, dropped his phone, because he was shaking, it bounced off the fridge, hit the cat, and fell into the toilet.

3. He broke his hand.

He fist-pumped so violently when he saw your name on his screen, he dislocated his wrist, and is in a cast now.

4. He was playing Scrabble with his Grandma.

And since he is such a family man, he didn’t check his phone once while he was at the nursing home.

5. He is narcoleptic.

It’s the middle of the day, but he’s not ignoring you, he fell asleep in the middle of campus.

6. You were too perfect.

He’s intimidated because you were too funny, too pretty, and too smart.

7. He died.

Obviously this is not too dramatic. Who wouldn’t text you back? He must be dead.

Of course, seeing he opened your Snapchat or updated his Facebook status does not mean he has been on his phone ALL DAY LONG. You keep telling yourself that hunny!

Vodka Makes Me Unstoppable (Until I Literally Hit a Wall)

Vodka, tequila, whatever your liquid superpower is, it’s all fun and games, until you and the wall cross paths…

We’ve all had those nights, sitting at the bar, drinking our drinks, and you stand up and think, “Wow, I am feeling better than I thought.” And suddenly one shot more, and you are Clark freaking Kent.

Here are some of the many roles we take on as the unstoppable superhero vodka has turned us into:

Platinum selling singer

Hell, of course karaoke is a good idea and you sound like Whitney Houston.

The love guru

You are the only single one of the group but when you are drunk, you give the world’s greatest love tips. “Yes, you should break up with him.” “Oh, let me help you perfect the perfect text to your crush.” “You deserve better than her.”

The one that got away

Being drunk is the perfect time to remind your ex what they are missing. That “sexy” SnapChat with your mascara running down your face is sure to win him back.

Gisele Bündchen

The look in the mirror like “Damn I look good.” Wake up the next morning with toilet paper off your shoe and your hair like Ozzy Osborne.

A participant of a food-eating contest

I don’t care what it is, just give me food. $23.13 later at Taco Bell..

The next contestant of “So You Think You Can Dance?”

Sure, show the dance floor how you can break dance, but take it from someone whose dancing turned into breaking an ankle.

Everyone’s new best friend

Remember that girl you hate, oh yeah, you will be besties by the end of the night. “I never hated you.” “No, I never hated you.” Never talks again…

Bill Gates

Rounds for everyone in the bar on me. Yeah, your reserve line of credit didn’t like that choice.

Even more impressive if you take on all these roles in one night. Walking around like you own the bar, and next thing you know, the wall or floor become your Kryptonite.

Hey, you made a good run, until you have to check your bank account the next day, make an emergency room trip, and do damage control on all your text messages…

Saturday, December 6, 2014

10 Reasons I Regret Saying "I Can't Wait to Grow Up"

When you are little, you think “When I am an adult, I can do whatever I want.” Reality check: that is false!

I remember thinking as a kid “I can’t wait to grow up.” My advice to any kid that says that, “Hold off as long as possible.” Being an adult seems all glamorous, but here are 10 reasons (in no particular order) why it is not:

10. Less sleep!

It is really no longer acceptable to sleep until 3 in the afternoon.. And you actually have to wake up every weekday with enough time to look presentable for work.

9. More bills.

I always knew there was a lot of stuff to pay for, but never really knew how much. It costs how much to get my car fixed?!?! You mean my insurance payment gets taken out every month? Did taxes get higher this paycheck or do I really just notice because I need the extra money to pay electric, cable, internet, rent, groceries, gas, insurance, water, etc., etc., etc.,

8. Ramen noodles and cereal aren’t acceptable for every meal anymore.

So I actually have to act like I can cook now that I am an adult? I miss the college days of making popcorn if I was hungry, and calling it a meal. However, Captain Crunch and Lucky Charms are two staples I am never giving up!

7. Everyone is getting married.

You have to opt to live alone now, because you are the only single on of the group. And seriously how many more weddings do you have to go to without a Plus One. No more crazy nights out, because all your friends are hitched up.

6. The pressure is obnoxious.

With all said friends getting married, everyone comes up to you at the weddings and asks, “Are you next?” Sure, right after I mail order a groom from Timbuktu.

5. People are having babies, on purpose!

If I want drool or spit-up on my clothes, I will just go down a bottle of Grey Goose. Babies are cute, as long as I can give them back when they cry.

4. People expect you to have your life together.

No, I am not using my $50,000 degree. Yes, I love what I do… Leave me alone!

3. You have to buy grown-up things.

The couch lying on the curb is no longer appropriate furniture for your living room. Booze bottles aren’t acceptable decorations. And your towels from freshman year of college should probably be replaced.

2. “What do you want to be when you grow up?” isn’t a question anymore.

Because you better be doing it, or all of the above things aren’t going to go well for you. No one is getting married or having babies if you can’t pay your bills or don’t have a job. See how this is a never-ending cycle?

1. People are so serious about things.

When did growing up equate to having no sense of humor? There is a time to be serious yes, but for God’s sake, have some fun!

Time really does go faster, there are no summer breaks, Disney lied about love, good friends are hard to come by, but in the end, being an adult isn’t so bad if you remain a kid at heart. So for now, if anyone needs me, I will be hiding in my fort in my living room, playing with my Barbies and making up a fairy-tale ending. I will be drinking Vodka though - because I'm an adult, damnit.