An average girl: straight-forward, sass, & some sap: November 2014

Sunday, November 30, 2014

The Hunger Games: First World Survival Tips

So, we can't all be a badass like Katniss Everdeen... but if the Hunger Games were to happen in our high tech, first world lives, we might have an advantage over the bows and little balls that send them gifts.
1. Take out the ditz.
One of the dumb tributes is gonna update her Instagram like "You know just hanging with Peta up in the tree." Find her, one down.
2. Perfect the bitch face.
No one messes with a girl that looks angry.
3. On the other hand, don't be too nice.
Luckily, my brothers would be too old for The Reaping if Hunger Game rules applied. Because me as tribute = death wish within minutes.
4. Now is time to get revenge on all the guys/girls that broke your heart.
Bet they regret not calling you back now... Won't be eating poisonous berries together at the end.
5. Watch what you post on Facebook.
Just make sure you aren't dumb ditz in survival tip #1, and accidentally leave location services on. (Katniss Everdeen is at Red Robin with Gale Hawthorne.)
6. But also use Facebook to your advantage.

Lie about your location to throw your enemies off. Heck, guys do it every day to cover their asses.

7. Luckily we don't have to be caveman for food.
No shooting your food. Just walk your ass to the fridge!
8. Just stay in bed.
I've always been told when all else fails, go to bed.
9. Don't worry about that crazy fire ball scene.
In the real world, we have fire extinguishers and hoses.
10. Get an alliance together.
Really because you have 992 on Facebook, at least one of them has to like you.
11. Just be drunk the whole time.
Because in the first world, we have alcohol.
12. Play out how half our society acts already.
Most people are already pros at stabbing people in the back to get ahead.
13. Pair up with Gale.
Because someone would have to be stupid to kill the brother of "People's Sexiest Man Alive."

16 Reasons I Am Thankful for Alcohol

Thanksgiving is for taking the time to be thankful for the stuff you bitched about all year: family, friends, job, health. But we can all agree there is one thing we can be thankful for 365 days a year: alcohol.
Because average men don't look like this.

Nor would they really say this. Actually, most guys are going to go kung-foo on your ass if you wake them up in the middle of the night.
To deal with that overly peppy cousin.

She wants you guys to be besties at all the family get-togethers, but you have absolutely nothing in common. She sings her sentences for God's sake.
To listen to that person that never shuts up.

They have talked in circles for the past 46 minutes, and you are going cross-eyed you are so freaking bored. Or maybe that is the liquor kicking in.
Because no one judges you for being a pig.

I mean I could eat all day every day, food is sooo good. But no one judges you for spending $21.19 at Taco Bell or downing a whole Triple Order of TopperStix when you are drunk!
To escape reality.

Throw your middle finger up to all your problems. Be Cinderella for a night if you want.
Because people say stupid stuff.

We all know that one person that makes us look like this every time they open their mouths...
Disney lied about love.

I can show you the world... Yeah okay, all I really want to show you is to my bed.
Wine: my true love.
Because sometimes you just need a good cry.

And there is no better way to release the water works than: vodka...
Because punching people is illegal.

Punching bags should probably be mandatory in most work places. (Not all jobs are as great as mine I have heard!)
People are always on your case.

No, I don't have my life figured out... Does anyone really?!

Because big kid chores suck.Mom doesn't clean or do laundry anymore. If you don't do it, well no one does.
Because this kiss isn't coming to you.

And for guys: this is girl's fantasy.
Because you aren't Jennifer Aniston.

Her perfect hair... and face... and body... and life. UGH..
And when you do find your Zac Efron/Jennifer Aniston, it's not appropriate to do this:

You have to, you know, not be crazy. Play stupid games and act like you hate them, says "I love you" the same way. Or just get drunk and tell them anyway.
Because this is you when your bills come each month.You mean it actually cost money to run the heat, water, and air at my parent's house?
You didn't believe them when they said "Don't wish to grow up."Adult life is hard... real real hard.
But all in all, we have so much to be thankful for.

Sunday, November 30, 2014

The Hunger Games: First World Survival Tips

Lie about your location to throw your enemies off. Heck, guys do it every day to cover their asses.

16 Reasons I Am Thankful for Alcohol

Thanksgiving is for taking the time to be thankful for the stuff you bitched about all year: family, friends, job, health. But we can all agree there is one thing we can be thankful for 365 days a year: alcohol. Because average men don't look like this.

Nor would they really say this. Actually, most guys are going to go kung-foo on your ass if you wake them up in the middle of the night. To deal with that overly peppy cousin.

She wants you guys to be besties at all the family get-togethers, but you have absolutely nothing in common. She sings her sentences for God's sake. To listen to that person that never shuts up.

They have talked in circles for the past 46 minutes, and you are going cross-eyed you are so freaking bored. Or maybe that is the liquor kicking in. Because no one judges you for being a pig.

I mean I could eat all day every day, food is sooo good. But no one judges you for spending $21.19 at Taco Bell or downing a whole Triple Order of TopperStix when you are drunk! To escape reality.

Throw your middle finger up to all your problems. Be Cinderella for a night if you want. Because people say stupid stuff.

We all know that one person that makes us look like this every time they open their mouths... Disney lied about love.

I can show you the world... Yeah okay, all I really want to show you is to my bed.Wine: my true love. Because sometimes you just need a good cry.

And there is no better way to release the water works than: vodka... Because punching people is illegal.

Punching bags should probably be mandatory in most work places. (Not all jobs are as great as mine I have heard!) People are always on your case.

No, I don't have my life figured out... Does anyone really?!

Because big kid chores suck.Mom doesn't clean or do laundry anymore. If you don't do it, well no one does. Because this kiss isn't coming to you.

And for guys: this is girl's fantasy. Because you aren't Jennifer Aniston.

Her perfect hair... and face... and body... and life. UGH.. And when you do find your Zac Efron/Jennifer Aniston, it's not appropriate to do this:

Thanksgiving is for taking the time to be thankful for the stuff you bitched about all year: family, friends, job, health. But we can all agree there is one thing we can be thankful for 365 days a year: alcohol.
Because average men don't look like this.

Nor would they really say this. Actually, most guys are going to go kung-foo on your ass if you wake them up in the middle of the night.
To deal with that overly peppy cousin.

She wants you guys to be besties at all the family get-togethers, but you have absolutely nothing in common. She sings her sentences for God's sake.
To listen to that person that never shuts up.

They have talked in circles for the past 46 minutes, and you are going cross-eyed you are so freaking bored. Or maybe that is the liquor kicking in.
Because no one judges you for being a pig.

I mean I could eat all day every day, food is sooo good. But no one judges you for spending $21.19 at Taco Bell or downing a whole Triple Order of TopperStix when you are drunk!
To escape reality.

Throw your middle finger up to all your problems. Be Cinderella for a night if you want.
Because people say stupid stuff.

We all know that one person that makes us look like this every time they open their mouths...
Disney lied about love.

I can show you the world... Yeah okay, all I really want to show you is to my bed.
Wine: my true love.
Because sometimes you just need a good cry.

And there is no better way to release the water works than: vodka...
Because punching people is illegal.

Punching bags should probably be mandatory in most work places. (Not all jobs are as great as mine I have heard!)
People are always on your case.

Because big kid chores suck.Mom doesn't clean or do laundry anymore. If you don't do it, well no one does.
Because this kiss isn't coming to you.

And for guys: this is girl's fantasy.
Because you aren't Jennifer Aniston.

Her perfect hair... and face... and body... and life. UGH..
And when you do find your Zac Efron/Jennifer Aniston, it's not appropriate to do this: